Garden safety tips for the drunk and disorderly

The sun has gone to our heads. We’re off out into the garden and we are taking every single drop of booze in the house with us. We will light the f**k out of the barbie, we will wade into the beers with courage and crack open the fizz with confidence. It is time to par-tay! But wait a moment – someone has fallen into the chiminea and there are casualties piling up at the bottom of the garden steps.

OMG. Mayhem and chaos. Luckily there are a few key things you can do to make it safer to get completely off-your-face in the garden. Actually these garden safety tips also apply if you’ve only had one wee glass or a crafty pint. Alcohol buggers up our co-ordination and makes us reckless, turning sensible folks into impetuous, dangerous creatures. So if you’re planning to party like there’s no tomorrow, do this!

Getting drunk and disorderly? Do these garden safety tips

Here’s us with our sensible heads on. The common sense way to party in the garden safely is to make a plan. You need a drunk-safe setting for the fun. When there’s a plan you can create the same tried, tested and safe setting instinctively without thinking about it. And you don’t have to stand around scratching your head if something goes dog-shaped, you swing into action like a well-oiled machine.

• Make sure there’s enough space around the heat source. Can inebriated people walk around the BBQ, chiminea, firepit or fire basket without falling into it or knocking it over? For safety’s sake maybe stand it with its back to a wall so people only have to walk past it, not around it
• You might want to buy a chiminea guard
• The same goes for patio heaters – place them with enough space for people to walk around or past even when they’ve consumed a barrel of booze
• It sounds bonkers but it happens. Do you have any poisonous plants or plants near the BBQ that’ll be tempting for the drunk and daft to taste ? If so re-plant them out of harm’s way
• Garden steps can be risky at the best of times, much worse when you’re three sheets to the wind. After dark use fairy lights or garden lighting so nobody loses their footing
• Is there another route that needs to be well lit? Maybe the path indoors to the loo?
• Make an official place for everyone to put their empty bottles and cans
• If there will be small children, obviously you’ll want to appoint a ‘responsible adult’ to stay sober
• Keep a first aid kit handy just in case
• If anyone’s likely to be sick, have a bucket ready for them and tell them where it is. Then with a bit of luck you won’t have to clean up vomit while totally incapable
• Set a ‘house rule’ about music volume and agree to stick to it
• Give your besties one basic job each to accomplish. The idea is no matter how stotious they become, they should still be able to achieve one small task whether it’s turning the music down, keeping an eye on the dog or collecting empties. Alone and drunk you are mostly hopeless. Together, even when drunk, you are invincible
• Why do drunk grown-ups like to ‘have a go’ on kiddies garden toys? There’s always one, isn’t there. Decide who is most likely to do mad stuff after they’ve had a few scoops. Pre-plan who will handle them if so, and how you’ll stop them being an arse without any fuss and bother
• If you want to stick to a set party end time, pre-book taxis for your guests. That way you can’t drunkenly insist on keeping the party going when you know you should really GO TO BED!
• Unless they’re particularly sociable, keep your cat indoors
• If you have a dog, think about dog safety
• Stack used crockery and glasses well away from the action
• Do you need garden shade to protect people from the sun?
• Keep after-sun lotion handy in case someone accidentally fries themself
• However chronic your munchies, cook meat and fish thoroughly, keeping meat and fish separate from salad and veg in your food prep area
• Take care not to burn yourself when cooking
• Buy a fire blanket to instantly stop fires in their tracks
• A bucket of sand or some small containers of sand make excellent ashtrays and the ash and stubs won’t blow around

We hope you enjoyed our garden safety tips for drunk people. Time to crack a cool one open… we’ll see you outdoors!